On turning 60

 

Turning Sixty. What is the real significance of this age.

So what happened, actually it sort of crept up on me... I turned round and... there...I'm Sixty, already. The 6th of May my birthday, and like many others, the date that I marked events and assessed where I was at and where I heading. It was right on me at last. I have been aware, so much of life has rushed past and prior to this birthday, I was actually enjoying the challenges and aspects of life that we think will go on forever. Who really does the arithmetic of ageing, when just getting on with living is a natural progress. But it wasn't a dread of reaching this age, that caused me any anxiety, we all learn in early formative years that the things we dread most often prove to be of little concern, after all. It was the fact that, for once, I had very little knowledge or idea of quite how I was going to even mark the day let alone celebrate my sixtieth birthday. A significant moment for reflection and self appraisal. Most important was another mile stone and major first happening. This was my first birthday without the supportive love of my Dear Mother, and I suddenly felt overwhelmingly vulnerable. I knew that there would be many moments of very strong emotions. Then the wonderful kindness of people I value as friends and family began to come through. I stopped looking back and feeling sorry for myself, this was always a happy day, in my life, full of fun, laughter and the good things of life. It was, like all birthdays a celebration of living. Exactly what I had been brought up, by my late parents, to believe. The day was most enjoyable, even if the weather was being awkward and unlike spring. I got lovely messages and cards from kind people, and I began to really understand the importance of maturing and enjoying the beautiful aspects of life and the benefits of age. Life must be shared and enjoyed with other people.

KB, in reflection of my 60th birthday.

22 February 2021

I am in the process of creating a "new body"of art work, mostly drawings and paintings, inspired by the simply awesome landscape that surrounds me and stimulates my thoughts, hopes and ideas... There is indeed still life beyond the surreal situation, of being locked down in the oppressive restrictions of isolation and social distance. Caused by this hateful pandemic! Self motivation and a clear focus, will I hope assist me in his endeavour, to rise above sadness and see through the tears. Though this has been a time of challenging personal grief and, of course, an overwhelmingly depressing and sorrowful period for the whole world. I feel we might all need to relearn or revive our social interactive skills. As an artist, I am no stranger to solitude or isolation, the very work I do is carried out in a private lone space my "studio". But my personality and natural being thrive on social interaction, I need people and I am stretching my patience, like so many others. But there is a light on the horizon, I got my Covid 19 vaccine last Saturday, and Spring will be starting next Saturday. So good to be alive. KB

Holocaust Memorial Day

 

Today, the 27th January 2021, is Holocaust Memorial Day, the 76th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, a symbolic moment whose date now serves as the annual commemoration of the Holocaust. Each year it becomes more crucial for us ALL to remember what happened, in these death camps, because as time passes the number of survivors becomes fewer... The importance of commemorating such a huge event in the human experience is to learn vital lessons of love and unity and prevent the ignorance and evil that cause such murder and genocide...We ALL need to consider and reflect on the issues.

We certainly seem to be surrounded with sorrow, and would that that were not true. People refer to this current era of pandemic trauma as "strange times" or "the Covid crisis", and there is a lot of frustrated desire resume a conception of normality. Now is that the normality that existed over a year ago, before we learned of this Coronavirus (?). Sadly, horrendous things have happened over the past year. The awful reality of over 100,000 lost lives... it is unbearable enough to grieve the loss of one loved one. Then the circumstances of dying with this virus, the lack of dignity and the isolation, a total horror... No, we cannot go back, we have collectively suffered too much, and must soon begin the process of healing.

On a very personal level these recent weeks living in this new order of redefined social restrictions has been extremely challenging. I enjoy the company of other people, the very notion of "social distancing" is a clumsy oxymoron. So at a time when, in raw bereavement and in real need of beloved company, I am actually in extreme retreat and self isolation. So how does one approach this in a sane and positive way? Well...I did two things at the beginning of the month to "manage" the situation. The first was to limit the need for venturing out for food shopping, which has the spin-off benefit of requiring advance planning of meals and menus, and a subtle control of the old diet. The second thing is more enjoyable, it involves taking the calendar or diary, and marking of all the special events, anniversaries and occasions and actually celebrating or marking them in your own special or private way. So for example a friend or relative is having a birthday, sadly you cannot meet up or party, so send them a letter, email, card or give them a special telephone call. Recently on what would have been the birthday of a very dear friend who sadly passed away three years ago, I went for an appropriate walk and did a little sketch in special honour of that person. In such ways I intend to make re-connections with people, places and events past and present.

This is the time of year, to "make new beginnings", indeed round about this time in January, ancient civilizations believed it to be an important moment in the natural cycle of life - the time when the sap begins to rise in the trees. This is when trees, shrubs and bushes begin to go into bud and a light green aura seems to glow. The day light hours are getting longer and I long to get out into the fresh air and start turning the soil and planting the earth. There is a future on our horizon...

3 January 2021

 

I would like to wish everyone, A Happy New Year. Let us hope that our situation steadily improves as the days get longer and spring replaces winter. This has certainly been an unprecedented festive season for us ALL, as the ongoing challenges of the restrictions to combat the coronavirus pandemic bite into our lives, in every way. We have become increasingly weary of the frightening gloom of the daily news, and we are constantly aware that our whole life psyche must require adapting and changing in order to accommodate yet another viral threat. Indeed over the last few days, there has been much reference to the awfulness of the year just past, but surely a year is only a measurement of time and not in itself the cause of good or bad. In the earlier months of 2020 the weather, for instance, was actually quite pleasant. Think how truly horrible the first Lockdown would have been, were we to have had to queue, for our food shopping, out in the cold, wet and wind. It was the awfulness of the pandemic itself that was so totally unbearable...people dying and the feeling of helplessness. It was, all of that, that we wanted away from. Sadly the change over to 2021 has not been the sudden switching on of a light. No, it is going to take a long time, to resolve things and recover. Of course for this very reason, the usual fire of seasonal optimism and expectation, was largely extinguished this time round. While we must accept and go along with the restrictions, it is absolutely vital, we must do whatever it takes not to let ourselves or people we know and care about become lonely or stranded in isolation. Keeping contact with each other by telephone or on social media, is a life line to many people.

Now being very much a "people person", I certainly did miss all the old traditions that accompany the happy socializing, of our festive season. These traditions relating to the celebration of the new year are very ancient and refer to the natural cycle of life. It was symbolic that, from the dying embers of the old year's fire, emerged the sparks to ignite the bright flames of the new year's fire. It was deemed essential and therefore a good omen to keep the fire, if lite, burning from one year to the next. Hence the origins of the carrying of coal from one house to another, at "Hogmany". I always associate this time of year with huge crackling fires, great food, wonderful company, with lots of music and laughter. In our home the fire was very much at the centre everything. This year there was no enthusiasm to have a living fire burning. Instead I had two very large church candles burning near the fireplace and at the changing of the year, "The Bells", I lite fresh candles from the old ones. But this evoked an overwhelming and unexpected flood of emotion of what had passed and in effect was being left in 2020. This is also the traditional time to remember people, to forgive and atone, and to tidy accounts and make payments. Not to bring anything that are unresolved, forward into the start of the new year is a universal feature of a new year celebration.

So far three dawns have heralded fine crisp days, with amber clouded skies of blue above and a glistening frosty ground. I gingerly tread cautious steps on my walk along the shore. The gentle action of the tide is a natural calming and reassuring essence. With my mind and emotions thus stimulated I am ready to face the day. At the start of a year I have always tried to put into place some sort of "resolution" or thumb nail proposal for the longer hours of day light. I need and want to immerse myself in my garden. Getting close to that cycle of nature, planting things, nurturing them and encouraging them grow can enrich anyone's life, and it does. There is something very wonderful about getting the soil of the Earth, under your fingernails. I must be a crofter after all! Let us hope, that as we carry forward the current challenges we will do so with spirits raised by brighter and stimulating days. Staying safe and staying healthy.

Some thoughts on the New Year, Sunday 3rd January 2021. KB.

Christmas 2020

 Whatever else we say or think Christmas was always meant to be a special time with great expectations. It should be a time to celebrate the hopes for the future, the love, happiness and togetherness with cherished family and friends, and the delight of giving gifts that honour it's symbolism. But this simply cannot always be and this year so many people everywhere in our world, (myself included), are facing a sad and lonely time. The global, international, national and local news are grim and gloomy. This is surely not what is meant by the most magical time of the year. I decided to rescue myself from a potential all consuming abyss. I had been simply unable to imagine my first Christmas without my mother, never in my life had I been to sit at any other table but her's. This was to be another of those "awful first events"...So I needed to rescue myself. Shake off the awful sadness of current world news, the overwhelming tragic local events, that were emerging and remember what day it was. Sure!... 'twas the night before Christmas. This was indeed Christmas Eve, now in our home when I was growing up this was the very most special and magical day of the year. I remember little customs my parents established that became family traditions. If this is to be a sort of new beginning for me, then I too must establish new traditions of my own. But right now, like countless more people, looking to the future it is a harsh reality. The very best thing is to start from a solid base and reflect on the happier memories of our past. So thinking of Christmases past I went off to explore in Christmas present. I bought some food and drink to enjoy, over the next days of restricted isolation and a lovely clutch of gifts for the cherished people in my life. In the happy process, I actually reflected on exactly why my parents loved Christmas Eve so much.

It was 1955, exactly sixty-five years ago that they first met. She was Barbara MacLeod, a very beautiful eighteen year old student, home for Christmas, from Glasgow. He was Willie Burns, a hansome twenty-three year old, junior marine engineer, home "on leave" from the merchant navy. Barbara, and her four older sisters had settled for a welcome rest and refreshing "cuppa", in Capaldi's, Central Cafe, in Cromwell Street "Narrows", opposite "Woolies", Stornoway, when the rather bold and dashing, Willie, followed in and gathering confidence approached, the rather proud youngest sister, inviting her to accompany him to the "Stephen Burns Limited, Staff Social", to be held in the Royal Hotel, on Friday 30th December 1955. By all accounts she politely accepted and was surprised to be given a ticket just as he dashed off. (The said ticket survives, I found it recently, having been lovingly keep in an album). But he hadn't established where and when they would meet, or asked where she stayed. But being Stornoway that would present no problem, eh!

Indeed Barbara quickly concluded that if this young man was determined enough he would succeed in his quest and find her. She was staying with her eldest sister in a newly completed council house, in Leverhulme Drive. Like many other towns in 1955 Stornoway was expanding with bright new social housing, to cater for the increase in young families and provide decent homes for more people. The residents in this street had not yet got to know each other, having only moved in about a month before. Willie had heard that Barbara's sister was a Mrs MacLeod, on the island people often marry to someone with the same name. But he did not establish exactly which house was their home. His quest therefore required him to knock on every door. Barbara waited patiently, and her brother-in-law teased her about her lost boy! The more she got teased the more determined she was to see him. Eventually he found her and they got to the party... Soon afterwards, they started to see more of each other, in Glasgow and Stornoway. They got engaged to be married on the 11th November 1956, and were married on 12th March 1958. They went on to have four sons and I am the second.

So as I wondered around in Cromwell Street Narrows, Stornoway, this Christmas Eve (2020), I took some time to reflect on a happier Christmas Eve. I also know of course why my parents celebrated...And of course, we must now ALL come together in the unity of friendship, even if we are apart for whatever reason. We will actually be here for each other, everyone, always. I would like to hope I rescued just a little of the symbolism of Christmas.

12 December 2020

 In response to some very kind comments to my last posts, where folk have suggested I compile these thoughts and reflections of mine together. I have been looking back over these writings during the past few weeks and others from further back. Indeed it would be really wonderful if my experience over the last few years could be of any use at all to anyone.

First I would have to say, I did what I did... to care for my dear mother as an act of unconditional love, therefore it was actually easy and as I have often said a huge privilege. But the aftermath of her passing has been so hard, painfully so. Nothing, not even the acceptance of dealing with a terminal illness, can prepare a person for the death of a loved one. In the past few weeks since my own loss a number of friends have sadly had similar experiences and there quickly builds a bond of empathy, as we convey genuine messages of support for the universal sorrow we feel... But it is impossible to find anything to adequately express the scale of this grief, though it is kind to try... No one can truly come to terms with the finality of death...the awful infinity of passing. It is futile to try. A huge void of negativity awaits, which is unpleasant and must be resisted. It is much more positive to embrace things with faith, love and hope. I have deliberately refrained from presenting a sermon here, as I am far from being wise enough yet to do so, as I have only just begun my journey. I am reminded of the old saying, " a little knowledge is a dangerous thing", and I certainly know that there are many much more knowledgeable than I am at present. I also have a personal need to retain my theological beliefs in a separate much more private identity as I explore this world. I am still gathering my pieces together and embarking in the processes of coming to terms with my loss, I have simply no idea how long this may take. But I now understand and can pass on the information that this must not be forced, rushed or pushed. The emotions of bereavement are very deep and highly unpredictable. It is best to allow the feelings to flow freely. It is excellent to talk about how things are, share memories, thoughts and feelings. I do all of these, and need to go back for more...There is no limit. Kind listening is like shared love it is limitless and carries on being multiplied.

Positivity is vital at this dark time of year, we usually need to invent massive doses of it, which explains why there are so many festivals of light throughout the world. I do think, it is so very hard to stay positive and try to be bright and cheerful when there is so little day light. So December presents a real challenge, every year and particularly this one. I know that I am a creature of the brighter time of the year and function better during the long days and short nights. So instead of simply wishing the winter away I personally need to increase my activity levels and focus on the special unique aspects of it. There are also opportunities to organize and plan things inside, outside and around our homes, for when the days get longer. I am very aware that for me there is a huge amount to catch up on and this something that all of us, probably, require to consider sensibly. I also know that physical endeavour can combat mental and emotional fragility. I intend to put these ideas into action. So maybe watch this space!

Just thinking out loud, in the dark, silence...

12 November 2020

 

I have to consider where I am at, five weeks since my dear mother past away... What are my priorities for the re-direction of my life. Do I try to pick up the shattered pieces? Or, leave the void and refocus to create a new life?

I am slowly coming to terms with the emptiness, the end of my purpose of care and the long road, that now stretches out, with plenty time to begin occupying... Could be an overwhelming and insurmountable peak or cavernous precipice, from which to haul myself.

Now I am naturally a happy chap who thrives on fun and laughter. So, when, I was most kindly invited, soon after my dear mother passed away, to join cousins from my favourite part of the island, for a welcome burst of light and hope, over the last two weekends. I jumped at these opportunities to be away from what could have been dark and gloomy times. The first event was a wonderful, Halloween, Socially Distanced, Wedding, where I met friends and relatives and experienced a beautiful and unique event. Thank you Patti and Alex XX.

The second was a full weekend away from everything. To my beloved Atlantic horizon of Dalmore, with my cousin Neen. I was incredibly well looked after, pampered indeed, and I absolutely loved the attention I was given! We put the whole Universe to right around a peat fire. How good is that! The Atlantic air helped me to catch up on sleep and I was rejuvenated and revitalized, enough to deal with all the activities and chores of the days ahead. Thank you Neen X.

So, I have managed to get on with my personal goals for this week. A special week in historical terms.

Monday 9 November 2020, commemorated the 82nd anniversary of Kristallnacht - the night of the broken, or shattered glass, the awful moment when the Jews of Europe were given the most evil forewarning of what was to come...

Wednesday 11 November 2020, Remembrance Day for ALL global conflicts, wars and the assault on humanity generally.

We must remember and reflect, the suffering in the wider world and the vulnerability of humanity to be reduced by evil forces... We must do everything we can to oppose it and support the bravery that fights against it. We must always remember the lives that have been lost...

On a personal note, I am such a truly lucky man to have been so kindly thought of and included in ways which stole me away from my sadness, these past two weekends. I feel I am fortunate to have such special and wonderful friends and relatives who are watching out for me, at this time... What can I say... Love is a truly powerful force in our world, may it prevail always.

A few thoughts, generated last weekend, while aware of the rolling waves breaking the sharp Atlantic horizon. KB