In response to some very kind comments to my last posts, where folk have suggested I compile these thoughts and reflections of mine together. I have been looking back over these writings during the past few weeks and others from further back. Indeed it would be really wonderful if my experience over the last few years could be of any use at all to anyone.
First I would have to say, I did what I did... to care for my dear mother as an act of unconditional love, therefore it was actually easy and as I have often said a huge privilege. But the aftermath of her passing has been so hard, painfully so. Nothing, not even the acceptance of dealing with a terminal illness, can prepare a person for the death of a loved one. In the past few weeks since my own loss a number of friends have sadly had similar experiences and there quickly builds a bond of empathy, as we convey genuine messages of support for the universal sorrow we feel... But it is impossible to find anything to adequately express the scale of this grief, though it is kind to try... No one can truly come to terms with the finality of death...the awful infinity of passing. It is futile to try. A huge void of negativity awaits, which is unpleasant and must be resisted. It is much more positive to embrace things with faith, love and hope. I have deliberately refrained from presenting a sermon here, as I am far from being wise enough yet to do so, as I have only just begun my journey. I am reminded of the old saying, " a little knowledge is a dangerous thing", and I certainly know that there are many much more knowledgeable than I am at present. I also have a personal need to retain my theological beliefs in a separate much more private identity as I explore this world. I am still gathering my pieces together and embarking in the processes of coming to terms with my loss, I have simply no idea how long this may take. But I now understand and can pass on the information that this must not be forced, rushed or pushed. The emotions of bereavement are very deep and highly unpredictable. It is best to allow the feelings to flow freely. It is excellent to talk about how things are, share memories, thoughts and feelings. I do all of these, and need to go back for more...There is no limit. Kind listening is like shared love it is limitless and carries on being multiplied.
Positivity is vital at this dark time of year, we usually need to invent massive doses of it, which explains why there are so many festivals of light throughout the world. I do think, it is so very hard to stay positive and try to be bright and cheerful when there is so little day light. So December presents a real challenge, every year and particularly this one. I know that I am a creature of the brighter time of the year and function better during the long days and short nights. So instead of simply wishing the winter away I personally need to increase my activity levels and focus on the special unique aspects of it. There are also opportunities to organize and plan things inside, outside and around our homes, for when the days get longer. I am very aware that for me there is a huge amount to catch up on and this something that all of us, probably, require to consider sensibly. I also know that physical endeavour can combat mental and emotional fragility. I intend to put these ideas into action. So maybe watch this space!
Just thinking out loud, in the dark, silence...
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