24 October 2020

 ...Well, what now, for me? Time can change everything, a flash of a second and a life can be gone, and another one's fulcrum shattered. The loss of a precious loved one creates only a void, and the process of grief is painful and slow. For me, my "auto pilot" of responding and listening out for the requirements of my dear mother are still active though she passed away seventeen or so days ago. Coming to terms with my loss cannot be rushed.

The day before she died, I shared a glimmer of the vitality and wisdom of the special woman who my mother was, by relating her early lesson to us, her four sons, on sharing love and experiencing it grow and multiply. It was as profound and positive to me then, when I first heard it, as a small preschool boy, as it is now getting on for sixty. So I am thinking some things cannot diminish when we lose a loved one. The very love for the person continues. It would appear that I explored this theme in the aftermath of my father's and granny's passing in 1993. Only ten weeks between the two bereavements. I tried to offer some counseling to my grieving mother, writing the thoughts in letter form. I have actually just found a couple that must have seemed particularly fitting and poignant, as they were folded in one of her many cherished poetry books, which she always kept close by where she sat. It seems we comforted each other and discussed our feelings as we came to accept those losses. My dear father died suddenly in the midst of a job, on the morning of 5th May 1993, he was only 60 years old. My dear granny, my mother's mother, whom she had cared for the last ten years of her life, in our family home, died four days after her 90th birthday, in the afternoon of 18th July 1993. That day, she spent a number of hours seeking a specific chapter in her well used Holy Bible, when she had finished reading it, she proclaimed to my mother, "Well Barbara, everything will be alright now...", then lay back on her bed and gently passed away. A beautiful passing for beautiful person. Six months, or so, later my poor grieving mother suffered a stroke, which robbed her of a number of faculties most notably her sight and field of vision. Still a very gregarious and active 55 year old, her new disability meant she was put off driving, this was a huge impact on her life and a terrible loss of her independence and a degree of her self esteem. But she diligently sent back her driving license as requested by the DVLA. Two weeks later, on a Monday morning, at about 8.30am, two Sy, PCs knocked on the door to "collect" that driving license. Her shock nearly caused another stroke. After that I became very protective of my dear little mother, for she had become a vulnerable person for the first time. I never ever let on that I felt she was in need of my protection. I clearly remember the time that I suggested, she register as partially sighted, and then apply for travel pass. "Oh! No, Kenneth, I won't be eligible". Her pride and dignity caused her to delay for years. But with the travel pass came some freedom, independence and self-confidence. She would just take off, away on the ferry, bus and train and come to stay with me in Glasgow, which she loved as it gave her the chance to spread the contact with all her grandchildren.

The dynamic person that she was had certainly become vulnerable, over the last year it became unbearably clear that she was dying. She wanted me to apply for Carer's Allowance, she actually insisted. I got some, but my own income has never been "normal", and is erratic and the awards of Carer's Allowance reflected this. Then as I began to go through the things required last week, spending time in telephone queues to the Department of Work and Pensions, having to speak to various officials, with various sensitivities, receiving wrong letters without the forms, I got through to a genuine human being a real person. Who told me "not to worry that he could deal with my concern and would be able make an outstanding back payment"... I didn't hear all the details as I became overwhelmed, and yes broke down on the 'phone to a government official. Who had in fact become very special at that moment. It went through me that I was actually getting something on my dear mother's behalf and she was no longer here ... I have good moments, where positive thoughts prevail, these sway with the bad ones the truly sad ones. The realization of what it is to be mortal. The reality of the moment I dreaded for so long. One of my many dear friends sent me a great quote about the penalty for love being grief, as in we only experience true grief, if indeed we experience true love.

I will need a lot of time to fill the vast void that now occupies my life. I will require to find a new focus to reset that auto response and develop a new purpose that reflects things I've learnt in a positive and sensitive approach. It must happen swiftly as possible to put into action the things that I promised my mother I would do. This will help in accepting what has happened and begin opening the doors of living once again.

Some thoughts, memories and ideas, or nocturnal contemplation to share during a stormy night/early hours Saturday 24th October 2020.